Bumbling in the big city

To those people who think everything comes naturally to me...THINK AGAIN.

When I was younger there was this road that I had to cross in order to get to the other side where the community pool was. We called it the 'big road". Everyone always laughed at me because I would run instead of walk in fear of getting hit by a car...Sometimes I still do.

The day I first got a crush on my husband was in Boston while visiting my brother at college. I was a junior in high school, and my (now)husband was watching me for a day while my brother was in class. I remember vividly how the whole day, he held on the the tag of my coat when we crossed streets because I would always try to cross at the wrong time or get distracted by something when we were supposed to cross. He probably saved my life about five times that day.

In college, my friend Berta would walk into the middle of a road with cars whizzing both ways like nobody's business, and walk down the middle until she could cross to the other side. The first time I saw this I almost flipped a switch. "Roberta...aren't you afraid of, ya know...getting run over?!" She would smile slightly, shake her head at me in pity, and float across traffic...meanwhile I was trying not to pee my pants and figure out when I could run across the street for my life and pray I wasn't squashed like a bug.

I wish I could say that since then I have learned how to cross busy streets without a care...but I would be lying. I'm afraid to say not much has changed in that respect. Maybe it's because I haven't spent much time in big cities, but I think it's bigger than that.

I pride myself on adapting to my circumstances. I get a thrill from hanging out with different types of people in different places, and challenging myself to find new ways of communication. In fact change normally comes pretty naturally to me. However, today when I went to jury duty, I was reminded yet again that there is one thing that no matter how hard I try to deny, just doesn't come naturally to me:

Life in the big city.

I'm just gonna be real honest. Today at jury duty, I was 'that' girl standing at the street waiting for the little white man to light up as handfuls of other people crossed the street while the red hand was clearly saying not to walk. The few times I thought about going...a car would go by at the speed of lightning and I would be scared back into submission of the little red hand. I know I'm pitiful, and that's not even the half of it. Today I felt exactly like Millie trying to find her way around the city for the first time.

The more I thought about it, the more I tried to think of one thing I WAS good at when navigating a big city.

Crossing busy streets. Nope.
Public parking. Nope.
One ways streets. Not so much.
Parallel parking. Not a chance.
Short, impersonal responses to other people- Almost impossible.
Drinking in the fresh dumpster smell on every other corner.- No thanks.
Enjoying closed in spaces with buildings on every side and no view of the sky-Pass
Constant noise, horns honking, people yelling, cussing, or firetrucks wailing- Just run me over already.

In fact, the only thing I could think of that I AM good at is ignoring the creepers on every corner and getting my keys ready in my hand in the event that I would need a weapon.

I specifically remember movies and shows and even know some people who talk about loving those things. I'm not questioning that. I bet they are good at crossing busy streets too. I'm just...not.

Don't get me wrong. There are things I love about big cities-and come to think of it I sometimes really like the city when I have other people to help me feel safe and found. Beautiful lights at night. That fact that you can walk everywhere if you want to. Great hole in the wall restaurants and cute little shops. Street vendors and random tourists who want you to take pictures of them.

I could do it. If I had to. I know I would eventually get the hang of being short and impersonal, crossing crazy busy streets with no fear, and forget what open fields of trees and flowers smell like. The point is...I don't want to. Everything that one naturally does in the city is the opposite of what comes naturally to me. I know that a big part of that is where I grew up, experiences, and conditioning, but some people go to the big city who have never been there and it just 'fits'.

After going to jury duty today, I have finally come to this somewhat brutal conclusion:

No matter how much I like certain things about it, how fun it is to walk everywhere, or even how I could probably learn how to live there if I had to, I am not, nor will ever be, a 'big city girl'.

Now give me a backyard with big skies, flowers, and trees, a clothes line, and a kitchen with lots of windows and some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, and I'm a happy woman. On that note, I'm gonna go bake some cookies.